English jokes

For fans all around the world.
coctu
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Re: English jokes

Postautor: coctu » 07 sie 2006, 8:48

clever dog
a woman went to the cinema and saw an old man sitting with his dog in the front row. the dog had its eyes fixed on the screen. it was a really good film, one that made you laugh and cry.

the woman couldn't help watching the dog. it laughed at the funny parts and cried during the sad part. after the film she spoke to the old man. "that's the most amazing thing i've ever seen," she said. "your dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

the man replied: "yes, it is amazing. he hated the book."

kinga
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Re: English jokes

Postautor: kinga » 22 cze 2007, 22:43

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother
asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know
that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the
top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends
the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and
hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style. ...it makes your nose
look too long."

:hahaha:


Another one:


It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him
what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast
was my idea."

:d

Titter
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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Titter » 22 cze 2007, 23:08

bueheheheh :hahaha:

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 18 wrz 2007, 15:27

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting
in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle, and if that ever happens,
just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV,
and threw out my wine.

She's such a Bitch. ....

***********************************

Someone emailed me the following :d :

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you
like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

:lol3:

Marrcino
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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Marrcino » 19 wrz 2007, 18:34

Magda pisze:ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


great :lol2:

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 20 wrz 2007, 17:58

Obrazek
:lol3:

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Titter » 21 wrz 2007, 12:24


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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 06 paź 2007, 13:12

'Why did you take a ladder to the bar?'
'I was told the drinks were on the house.' :lol3:

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 06 paź 2007, 19:08

[email protected] pisze:'Why did you take a ladder to the bar?'
'I was told the drinks were on the house.' :lol3:

:lol:

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 01 lis 2007, 14:02

You've got to love this little girl !!!!!!! :d

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
:lol3:

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Marrcino » 15 gru 2007, 16:29

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! ! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!'
Love, Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £239.99
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Two Aspirins £.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Estratos » 15 gru 2007, 16:33

znalem to w wersji polskiej :D

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: diuk69 » 15 gru 2007, 16:57

Wiernosc poplaca :ha: :ha: /Loyal realy pays, :wink:

:xmas:D:
Ostatnio zmieniony 15 gru 2007, 18:36 przez diuk69, łącznie zmieniany 1 raz.

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Titter » 15 gru 2007, 17:35

buehehehehe :d

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: DeathlySilence » 15 gru 2007, 18:00

Michal pisze:I've known it in Polish version :D

diuk69 pisze:Faith/Loyal pays :ha: :ha:

I would like to remind that it's an International Section and we write here by other languages than Polish, with pressure on English (look at the tittle of the topic). :-) With or without grammatical mistakes.
Titter pisze:buehehehehe :d

8P It is your second post in this topic which almost dosen't different than previous. :wink:


Wróć do „International Section”



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