English jokes

For fans all around the world.
witold
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English jokes

Postautor: witold » 10 lut 2005, 7:20

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, „What is Politics?“
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class and your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bad.
The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Great son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about” The little boy replies, “The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep SHIT.”

[ Dodano: 2005-02-11, 23:02 ]
Where is God ?
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 23 lut 2005, 3:16

“The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep SHIT.”


Good one! :lol:


Hard Drive

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

***

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 16 mar 2005, 23:30

1)
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

2)
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

3)
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

4)
There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.
St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."
St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.
Now it was the second man's turn.
St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."
St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.
After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard."

5)
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

I'm sorry if the last two jokes offend sb but I didn't mean it. By the way, they're funny, aren't they?

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 16 mar 2005, 23:38

Thanks Aidan!! I particularly enjoyed #5. :lol:

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 17 mar 2005, 0:20

Magda pisze:Thanks Aidan!! I particularly enjoyed #5. :lol:


You're welcome. I'm glad you like it. :D

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: witold » 07 lut 2006, 23:19

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud, that they had difficulty in hearing each other. „It‘s windy, „ said one. „No, it‘s Thursday,“ said the next. „So am I,“ said the third. „Let‘s go and have a drink!“

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents‘place. At bedtime, the two boys knelt down beside their beds to say their prayers. Suddenly, the younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs: „I pray for a new bicycle. I pray for a new Nintendo. I pray for a new video recorder...“ The older brother leaned over, nudged his younger brother, and said: „Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf!“ The little brother replied: „No, but Grandma sure is!“

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder than ever! puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My computer keeps saying: YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 11 lut 2006, 5:44

How about a SNL spoof of Sex and The City? Starring Christina Aguilera as Samantha (she's brilliant!!!):

CLICK HERE

:lol:

And a spoof of a "telenovela":
CLICK HERE

:D:D:D

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Estratos » 11 lut 2006, 11:51

Awesome Magda! Christina does Samantha really great. "I'm a queene in a bottle" :lol:

:rotfl: :-)

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 11 lut 2006, 19:21

Michal pisze:Awesome Magda! Christina does Samantha really great. "I'm a queene in a bottle" :lol:

:rotfl: :-)


Actually, it's even better - she says "weenie in a bottle" (weenie=penis) :lol: :lol: :lol:.

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Estratos » 11 lut 2006, 19:23

oops :P Great :lol: The other "Sex and the City" spoofs are also hilarious :P

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: [email protected] » 11 lut 2006, 19:26

witold pisze:A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder than ever! puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My computer keeps saying: YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"


Good one :lol:. Thanks for sharing.

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: witold » 27 lut 2006, 8:19

Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

[ Dodano: 2006-03-02, 00:30 ]
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now.Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. ... OH MY GOD... DAMN!!!!!" Silence. gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" "That's nothing," said a passenger in coach. "He should see the back of mine!"

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Jonny » 07 mar 2006, 19:47

Nice Jokes. :D

witold
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Re: English jokes

Postautor: witold » 07 mar 2006, 21:02

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY – 8 March 2006

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke he , tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don`t do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make shure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don`t burden him with chores. Don`t discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife,"What did the doctor say to you?"
"You`re going to die."

How much does a femal brain cost?
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said," It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

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Re: English jokes

Postautor: Misiaczka :) » 31 maja 2006, 11:19

Kosz.
Ostatnio zmieniony 27 gru 2008, 16:23 przez Misiaczka :), łącznie zmieniany 1 raz.


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